Someone who knows me quite well sent an email a couple of days ago. “We’ve read your blogs and newsletters and sense that there may be more going on than what you’ve said there.”
It stopped me in my tracks. I thought on the question for a long while, analyzing if I’ve been in denial, or if I’ve put on some kind of Pollyana persona to deflect my fears.
I suppose I would wonder the same about me. I am, frankly, astonished at how I’m handling this thing. I’ve had moments of fear, dread and tears – to be sure – but they’ve been fleeting and temporary.
Here are a few bullet points that capture what’s really going on for me, in case you’re wondering the same thing:
- I am flattered, thrilled, sustained and positively oozing with happiness at the outpouring of loving wishes and support from everyone, all over the world. For someone who spent the better part of her adult life doubting her value – all the emails, Facebook posts, calls, cards and texts have been an unbelievable, almost overwhelming, source of joy for me. I’ve said, “it’s like going to my own wake without having to die!”
- Even though I’ve always been an optimist, I’ve surprised myself at how little fear I’ve felt. There are SO many survivors that have come forward with their personal stories. Besides, I don’t know anything other than optimum health and vitality … so I’m sticking with that picture as my outcome. I’m also not delving into internet research – which is scary and overwhelming. Much of the information is not applicable to my specific diagnosis anyway.
- I never knew what strong faith I had until this test. Since the very first day – when I felt jubilation at the thought of not needing to finish packing for Europe – I have noticed so many blessings: everyone I’ve met at Kaiser and the excellent care I have received, taxicabs called “Happy Cabs,” the opportunity to see my step kids and grandkids, the opportunity to go to my Aunt Lil’s 100th birthday party, the joy of my staff learning that I’ll be delegating some really awesome travel assignments, the pleasure of enjoying my beautiful backyard without a “to-do” list running in my head . . . there are many things for which I am grateful. I’m creating joyful moments every day because, frankly, I don’t like feeling crappy or scared. I have a choice – and I choose joy.
- Relationships: With Scott and all my step kids, I notice a deepening appreciation and loving tenderness. Clients and customers have been amazingly compassionate. There have been several acquaintances from my spiritual center who I knew in passing, but not intimately. Many have reached out to come sit with me for a couple of hours, or drive me to appointments, or otherwise let me know how much they desire to get to know me better. And to think I was always too busy to make time for new friendships!
- I have clearly defined two big, important projects for which I never made time in my schedule. My book – which will now be a deeper dive into the complexity of my relationship with my mother, who battled cancer from the time she was 50 – and with whom I always had a complicated, strained relationship. Not coincidentally, I’d been thinking it was time for some healing on that issue! And the other project which I wrote about in my Weekly WOW blog last Friday: The WOW! Foundation. Both projects are finally getting my attention.
- There’s a clinical trial for which I am a candidate. I carry the BRCA-1 gene … for ovarian and breast cancer. There’s a drug that they’re testing on patients like me – in combination with the chemo cocktail that I’ll be getting. So, there may be a benefit for me and – at the very least – a benefit for the researchers.
- Aside from the fever that was induced by an infection (which scared the shit out of me: early sepsis!) I have not felt ill or weak or sick through any of this. It’s something of a miracle that I was diagnosed at all. When they took 700 ccs of fluid from around my lung – the technician told me I should have been out of breath after the short walk from the dressing room to the examination room. I did not have any such weakness … and am still scampering up and down the stairs without effort, as I always have.
Okay, so here’s my truth: I must confess that I am getting a bit anxious right now. I would tell people, “I’m starting chemo on the 24th” – which was always some distance away. Now it’s only three days away! I don’t know what that will be like. Cancer hasn’t been so bad so far. My best friend, Kathleen, will be taking me to my first appointment on Wednesday, after which we’re going wig shopping. She is the perfect angel for this assignment – she makes me laugh, she’s really smart and she’s the best advocate I could wish for.
As I mentioned, I’ve not been sick, nor have I looked sick – so it’s been easy to be optimistic. That could all change rather quickly. But aside from the hair loss – which they tell me is universal with this chemo cocktail, I’m not ascribing to or expecting any of the other side effects that can happen with chemo.
I am bummed about losing my hair. I’ve never had long hair before – and was really loving my locks. And I just learned – to my dismay – that I may lose eyelashes and eyebrows, too! I’ll shave or cut my hair before it falls out in clumps – and hopefully donate it. I’ve always been a bit unnerved by women who are bald. Probably because of my mother’s unresolved and never-spoken-about cancer, OPC (other people’s cancer) has always freaked me out. I can jump off a bungy bridge, but not sure I’ll be bold enough to go out in public looking like a cancer patient.
It’s all surreal. Every once in awhile I have to catch myself and remember that this – CANCER – is really happening. It’s happening to me! (ME??) And then I take a deep breath and remember that in this moment (the only one I have), I am happy, healthy and grateful.
I’m especially grateful to you – my family and friends who are showing up in wonderful ways to demonstrate how much you care about me. I feel your good energy supporting and sustaining and loving me through this. And I am forever grateful!
connie sullivan
August 22, 2016Love you!
Cindi
August 22, 2016Love you so much. Thanks for your sharing of raw emotions, fear and hope. Go with the pink wig!
xo Cindi
Sonia Alemshah
August 22, 2016A poem I truly love and believe in. I’m sharing it with you Marilyn and hoping it will give you hope during the next few days.
The Storm Will Bring Blessings
Sometimes the sun seems hidden
When our lives are filled with rain,
And yet God sees us clearly
And His promises remain.
Sometimes we pray for something
That He doesn’t seem to give,
And yet He knows just what we need
To help us grow and live.
And finally when the sun shines
And the clouds are there no longer,
We see how much He blessed us
And the storm has made us stronger.
Sending you much love and prayers.
Sonia Alemshah
Jill Stoliker
August 22, 2016My dear Marilyn,
Thank you so much for this update. Knowing your plans and thoughts on your healing is very helpful to focus my prayer treatments and align my healing thoughts with you and all of the other’s that are holding you in the center of your personal miracle every moment. You are so thoroughly beautiful and deeply loved; all of the people in the world that you have known, touched, assisted, raised-up and supported are a part of you now, as you are connected with all of us. As one of those in the chain, I know that gratitude and love is working at the cellular level. Feel it, know it and so it is!
Susan Rosenberg
August 23, 2016Well said, Jill. Amen.
Josie Rodriguez-Brooks
August 22, 2016What an inspiration you are to me! I wish I lived close to be able to be of some assistance! You were the most kind and authentic when traveling with you! Please know and I quote; “This I learned from a shadow of a tree, that my influence can be felt where I can never be. “
Karen Oxrider
August 22, 2016WOW (I use this word intentionally) You are brave, beautiful and centered. Thank you for sharing your personal story. It is scary for all of us to think of this journey you are on because so much of it os unknown and one never knows what they would do or how they would feel if it was them. I am comforted and inspired by your faith and steadfast commitment to perfect health. I know that too for you.
PS: You are going to look cute and sassy in whatever wig you choose (ok, well maybe not the big puffy platinum wig).
Patty Karabatsos
August 22, 2016You continue to amaze me! Everyone should be able to approach “cancer” from your vantage point. You are so honest and open and it is very refreshing. I sure it makes it easier for people to reach out to you, talk to you, and help you. I will be down next month with Linda and we hope to be able to come for a visit. I’ll keep in touch! Be strong!
Love and hugs, Patty
Lisa ridini
August 22, 2016Hugs Marilyn:)
It would be my honor to help you with your hair.. Please don’t hesitate to call. I’ve recently been down this road with my sister. I have experience with cutting any wig you choose. We will make you more fabulous than you currently are!!
Warmest regard,
Lisa Ridino
Julie Franz
August 22, 2016I love this post, Marilyn, and am not surprised at all by your response to this new challenge. I am very happy and grateful you are doing so well and have such high morale! 😊👍💕
Angel O'Hanlon Tinnirello
August 22, 2016Even in the throws of intense stress you manage to frame thoughts beautifully. Glad the book is in focus.
I thing the emotional roller coaster you are on brings all the feelings both sharply into focus and scatttergorically awry – zinging through wicked downs and euphoric highs. Your friends and family have clearly circled around you to hold the lines of function in place and let you sense their love and compassion , when things get truly weird or wired. Having watched other friends survive to mark one, five, and 10 year milestones after their cancer experiences I know that it is absolutely fine to drop down into the occasional terror/pity party and it is ok to get giddy and wacky with laughter. Both places seem to help and have a role.
I will think of you on Wednesday, both the chemo and the wig adventure will move you onto the next steps. Sending all sorts of good thoughts to you!!!!
Kathleen
August 22, 2016Wonderful to be traveling this crazy path with you! ❤️❤️
Nina mihranian
August 22, 2016You do have our love support prayers and wishes.
May positivity reign ( what the hell do you have to lose .. I want to make you laugh Marilyn)
You don’t look sick you don’t feel sick therefore keep choosing joy !
Warm hugs and extra prayers for Wednesday.
I understand you very well cause like you I have traveled alone to far far away exotic places,
But doctors hospitals .. Are more foreign to me.
Hope you continue work on your 2 projects .
Now is the time.
Warm hugs 🙏😘😍
Donna Elliott
August 22, 2016Marilyn,
Your writing ability is awesome and is only upstaged by your inspirational walk with cancer. My personal life experiences have shown me that people with faith have HOPE and that’s what can drive us to keep going and be optimistic. It doesn’t keep you from those down days, sadness or concern but it does allow you to get back up and keep going.
We continue to hold you and your family up in prayer. May you feel the love so many have for you and allow it to help hold you up when you need it.
Hugs,
Donna & Brian
Felice
August 23, 2016Wow, that was a courageous dialogue between you and the messenger! I also got confused with “the facts,” but rather than get analytical and ask for clarification, I chose to be taken on your journey of perfect health and well-being – for you and for me, cuz all of us have some say or will in the matter! In your case, you have the say AND the will! So, of course you felt the fear and did it anyway. I just spent the day at TEDx Santa Barbara and heard some miraculous stories. I’ve seen and heard so many heroic human beings lately from the TEDx talks tot6 the Olympics and you. So, keep on strutting your bad self!
Gloria Vogt-Nilsen
August 23, 2016Marilyn,
You are an inspiration in honesty, optimism and living in the moment. I love you my friend and I know that you and God got this. I will come visit in September. Wishing you love, light and your phenomenal spirit on the 24th. I will be praying for you. Love, health and light. Gloria
Tree
August 23, 2016Writing skills, Life skills, Coping skills, Faith skills – all Gold Stars! Your heart is so big, so wide open – to be sharing your personal journey experience, at the same time receiving all the love and support of the people who hold you so dear. “Anxious” is how we face the unknown, but Knowing is the peace of the truth, and you Know. And remember, there is always more to be revealed… Lovin’ you!
Joyce
August 24, 2016Marilyn…you are definitely in my prayers! I love your joy and optimism! And, now I am wondering what you and your “angel” will choose in the way of a wig…are you going to “go wild” with a new look? Looking forward to seeing the “temporary you!” You are so inspirational…and fun…and you make me smile! I love you, my friend!
Patti
August 24, 2016Know that your infusion cocktail is filled with healing light & love. My thoughts and prayers are with you.